A Tradition Unlike Any Other

OK, I admit it. When it comes to the Masters, I'm a little sloppy in love. Twenty times I've been to this event, and I still commit bad poetry in its name. I like golf, I admire tradition, I'm a big fan of a turkey on wheat and a Coke for $2.25. I saw Nicklaus win here in '86 (the chill on the neck lingers), I saw Tiger dominate in '97, Crenshaw cry in '95, the Hoch choke, the Norman implosion etc. The Masters succeeds as great sport and better theatre. Plus it has Woods -- the best, most important athlete of this generation -- at his grinding, supremely gifted best. But you knew all that. On the Blog this week, I'll tell you some things maybe you didnt know, and won't see on TV.

You will never drive down Magnolia Lane unless you're playing or a member. And it's Gate 2, not Gate 1.

Once you're in, the first thing you see is the massive gift shop to your right. Buy a shirt for $46 or $115, a bag towel for $9. Buy a shot glass for $8. You'll need it when the credit card bill comes.
Practice round tickets are granted by region of the country from year to year, so as to assure maximum spending in the gift shop. That's the rumor, anyway.

From the gift shop, walk maybe 100 yards, peer out between the 15-foot high hedges and see the first fairway, and the whole of the course opening up in front of you, as if someone dumped a gallon of green paint down a sliding board. Take a free copy of the day's pairing and tee times from a green-painted, stand alone box that resembles a cabin. Read and heed the words of club co-founder and "president in perpetuity'' Bobby Jones: "In golf, customs of etiquette and decorum are just as important as rules governing play... distressing to those who love golf is the applauding or cheering of misplays of a player... at the Masters, we must eliminate them entirely if our patrons are continue to merit their reputation as the most knowledgeable and considerate in the world.''

Fans aren't fans here. Or crowds or galleries or, heaven help us, mobs. They are "patrons.''

If your cell phone rings on the course, you can be the "Patron'' saint, and they will show you the gate.

Walk up the hill to the No. 1 green. And we do mean uphill. TV does no justice to the elevation changes here. From the highest point on the course (back right, 1st green) to the lowest (Rae's Creek in front of the 12th green) is 175 feet, according to Golf magazine. The height of Niagara Falls is 176 feet. If you come to the Masters and you walk the course, you will need a nap.

If you don't have HDTV, get it today, install it tonight and watch the "toonamint'' as the locals call it, tomorrow. Nothing on hi-def looks better. Nothing. And it still won't show you how the greens roll like The Beast at Kings Island. Masters rookie and Cincy native Brett Wetterich spent much of two practice days doing little but pitching and putting. "TV flattens everything,'' he said.

Is there rough at the Masters? Yep. Sort of. Go to Glenview or Miami Whitewater or California. Hit your tee ball into the fairway. Look down at it. See that grass? That's what Masters rough looks like. The "second cut'' they call it. Right.

See if you can locate the only palm tree on the course. (It's right of the fairway on No. 4.)

Most of the big loblolly pines that fill the course have lightning rods winding up their trunks.

The best place to be on the practice days is alongside the pond that runs between tee and green at the par-3 16th. "Patrons'' there chant Skip-Skip-Skip to the players, who oblige by moving in front of the tee box and hitting wedges or short irons that skip two or three times on the pond before landing on the green.

Eat a $1.50 sandwich in a green wrapper. Drink a $1 soda from a green cup. If you drop the green trash, a guy in a green jumpsuit will stab it and put it in a green plastic trash bag bearing the word PLEASE in bold black letters.

John Daly's RV won't be at Hooters this week. He didnt qualify. Best Daly Moment Witnessed By Me: A few years ago, Long John's tee ball at the par-4 10th faded right, into the pines. The smart play was to wedge it out to the fairway and try to get up and down from maybe 140 yards. Daly addressed his ball intending to do just that, until the "patrons'' gathered around him started urging him to go for the green. Daly said, "F--- it''. He exchanged the wedge for an iron and announced, "Fore right, fore left, fore everywhere!'' His approach found the front edge of the green.

There wasnt a net at the end of the driving range here until the year after Daly's first Masters. Balls no longer fly off the property and onto busy Washington Road.

Caddies arent allowed in the clubhouse, but media are.

Volunteers at the Masters are not allowed to speak to the media. For any reason.

The 13th green is 8,177 square feet, about the same as between the bases of a baseball diamond. They use eight or nine different pin positions there.

Tomorrow: Thinking your way around the golf course.