Paul Daugherty: the bank of mom and dad

Sunday, April 23, 2006

the bank of mom and dad

Every so often, I will use this space for things other than sports, because, well, just because. I read something in the NY Times the other day that got me going. It was a story about 20- and 30-somethings, living at their parents' houses. I won't say "living at home'' because by then, you should have a home of your own.

This isn't a recent development; we're just reading more about it now because there is a new movie about it, "Failure to Launch''. Given I've got 2 kids, one nearly 20, the other 16, I've followed this trend.

It stinks.

I dunno about you, but I graduated from college in June '79 and 4 days later, had a 3-room walkup apartment and my first job. It paid $8,000 a year. I was thrilled.

It never occurred to me I should live with my parents, to maintain the living standard I enjoyed growing up. It took my parents decades to reach that standard. Why should I expect it as a newly minted graduate? Nor did I think it was my birthright to stay in school for 10 years, to "find myself.'' Which is why I really don't get these adults, and their parents, who think it's OK to do so now. My kids get four or five years of tuition paid, and they're out. What do you think?

29 Comments:

at 8:16 PM

Anonymous said...

Well I've been saying this for years. Kids today are pampered, and many parents' identities are so tied up in their kids' that the parents almost seem to encourage this, or at best shrug their shoulders with a smile. Our goal as parents should be to help our children successfully OUT of our lives, not to encourage dependence for the rest of it!

We've already forewarned our two college kids not to even think about it. We expect them to behave like adults when they turned 18, and they have done very well at this so far. And they feel better and much more confident about themselves for it, too.

at 10:16 PM

Anonymous said...

The really neat thing is that after the bird leaves the nest the dynamics of the relationship changes dramatically. My son moved out during his freshman year in college and suddenly we were no longer so much father-son as we were friends. It was a really important change in our relationship which has continued ever since Like you, I can't understand why adults would want to keep the kids around after you've done all you can to raise them. It says as much about the immaturity of the parents as it does of the children.

at 6:22 AM

Anonymous said...

You are just being a Mr Meanie!! Just kidding if you have them right they will want to be on their own.

at 10:07 AM

Anonymous said...

A little off the subject (maybe a lot) but, I was just reading your bio. and wondered if you are ever asked to be on "Aound the horn"?

at 12:46 PM

Anonymous said...

Couldn't agree more with your thoughts. The day after college graduation I started my first job with $10 in the bank and a few thousand dollars of debt. A few years (and roommates) later I was buying a house. I wouldn't trade those "lean" years for anything. It seems today kids (and some parents) expect the dividends of a college education immediately. It takes years to turn that degree into a body of work that's worth something.

at 12:54 PM

JAC said...

I am a thirty something adult who agrees with you on this subject. When I turned 19 my father was deceased and my mother was broke and living off a widow’s pension. For the first few years I was angry at the situation. But over time I learned to take care of myself because of the alternative, to be one of those homeless in the park.

I am now a professional with a decent salary. I work with some of these 20 and 30 something’s who live at home and sometimes it bothers me. But in the end I come out ahead. My managers consider me to be intelligent and independent. I can cook and clean for myself as well as pay my own bills with out anyone’s help. My co-workers and friends who still live with mom and dad’s support envy my independence. You do your children a disservice when you coddle them into the adult years.

at 12:55 PM

Anonymous said...

Whatever, typical baby boomers, sacrificed our prosperty for theirs and then cry about today's youth. How's the view from the hill? The truth is the job market was alot easier 10 years ago for college grads then it is today. Their are millions of educated/under employed twenty somethings with 0 security. I have a decent job interview in early may. Hopefully I can leave the past 3 years of uninsured, 10 dollar an hour pampering.

at 2:39 PM

Anonymous said...

I think some of you may be just a little too critical of the "lazy, greedy, pampered" people in their early twenties. Maybe you didn't have the advantage of a more comfortable upbringing or even a stable family. I graduated from college in 2002 when, like the previous poster mentioned, the job market wasn't exactly bearing much fruit. So I lived at home for a year, my parents helped support me and a year later I moved to the east coast, got married, have a stable career in the field I studied and bought my first house. And the benefit of that year at home was an even better relationship with my parents, whom I consider as friends as much as parents now.

I don't think people should be living with their parents forever (I have friends who still do 4 years removed from college, which is somewhat sad) but a year or two at home doesn't hurt as much as you say. It allows us to save some money and buy a place in a year or two rather than throwing money out the window on rent.

at 3:05 PM

Anonymous said...

I have several points:

1. A college degree doesn't buy you what it used to. The college degree has almost turned into the high school degree - it's a necessity anymore, not an asset.

2. As such, many graduates feel they have to go to graduate school to find a rewarding position. Graduate school has become what college was 30 years ago.

3. Most parents will not pay for graduate school - because they feel their obligation ends at undergrad (like yourself). Thus, students are forced to take out loans.

4. A college education is a lot more expensive than it was in 1979. Thus, most students graduate with some undergraduate loans. Those who go to graduate school have even more loans - some over 100,000 - without ever having a real job. Have you seen the cost of attending a private institution these days?

5. The cost of purchasing a home is outrageous these days, especially on the coasts. I live in California - the housing market out here is ridiculous.

6. The influx of no-name colleges does not help the problem. These universities coax students into signing up and take their $30,000 a year in loans. When the students graduate, they have difficulty finding a job, because the degree carries no weight.

7. Credit card companies do not help either. They give 18 year olds kids these cards - whenever the kid wants something, he/she swipes. The true value of earning a dollar is diminished.

The point I am trying to make is that some recent graduates choose to live at home, not out of lifestyle choice, but more out of necessity. Sometimes, it's more about being responsible.

at 3:46 PM

Anonymous said...

Me and your kids are going to be supporting you when social security runs out, the least you can do is give em a place to crash when their $60K college education is over and they're paying $400 a month because you and your wife had to take that trip to vegas and blow a couple grand at the craps table.

well, maybe not you, but I know plenty of parents like that.

at 4:06 PM

Anonymous said...

So your next post is going to be about parents that didn't save for retirement and had to move in with their kids, right?

Goes both ways, my friend.

at 4:20 PM

Anonymous said...

Not only after college but during it! Parents now often register their kids for classes and complain to the various academic departments if something doesn't go their child's way. The cord should be cut long before college graduation!

I'm Pretty amazed with the sense of entitlement in these responses. I wonder what the average age is of those who think Paul's initial entry is close-minded. (Also wonder where they're living!)

at 4:51 PM

Anonymous said...

I do believe in what Paul is saying somewhat, but I also think that today's economy isn't set up for a recent college graduate to immediately succeed.
First of all gas prices are outrageous. What you were paying in rent coming out of college is the equivalent to what a month's worth of gas costs now.
The job market is a lot tougher, the cost of buying and maintaining a house is a lot steeper and the starting salaries of an entry-level position, while dramatically higher, do not coincide with the rise in living costs.
I think once you get a chance to witness your children go through it themselves you will probably realize it is a little bit tougher to get started now-a-days.
Just don't be too hard on the young ones.

at 5:54 PM

Anonymous said...

anonymous 5:20

It's a quid-pro-quo. You help us out when we're starting out after college, we change your diaper when you come to live with us because you can't live on your own anymore.

at 8:34 PM

Anonymous said...

All around I do not believe 30 somethings should still be living with their parents. I do not, 20 somethings on the other hand. The college degree is a very expensive requirement to get job interviews and that is all.
A lot of companies now want you to have expierence and finding that first job that will get you the expierence to find a good stable job is hard. The past generation had a much easier job market, cost of living but this does not get taken into account by most of them. The theory being if I did it you can.
I don't believe that Paul is totally right or totally wrong. I believe the truth is as usual somewhere in the middle. Some children take advantage(30 somethings) where as others make a choice to be more responsible and stay at home for a few years till they can move out.
JMHO

at 6:06 AM

Anonymous said...

"Amen to That". I graduated from colleg in four years in 1965, C0-OP program at UC paid for about 80-90% of college. Graduated on Sunday at Cincinnati Gardens on Sunday, started my job with Ashland Oil, on Tuesday,(they gave me Monday off to travel from Cincy to Ashland ,Kentucky). Starting salary %6,600. Retired 36 years later from the same company. Hell I thought that was what you were supposed to do ? My two kids graduated from college in four years & both had their career jobs within 90 days ,.thought that's what you were supposed to do. Those who have kids traveling Europe for a year after the seven years in college to "Find Themself", have Mama & papa buying them condos when they are 30-35. "Sad". Dick Gose Southport, NC

at 8:36 AM

Anonymous said...

My college senior daughter jokingly informed me that she planned to live at home until she was 40. I asked her how many 40 year olds she knows that have a curfew. My children are welcome to live at home, as long as they are willing to follow the house rules. And yes, they do include a curfew. If they don't want a curfew then they will need to find someplace else to live.

at 1:50 PM

Anonymous said...

College !!!! Now I know I`m talking to about 10% of the people in the world.I`m a father of 3 and most of all the comments I have read are from people who are way out of touch (much like are politicians) with the real worls.I was raised by a working Mother of 4 who made $60.00 a week.We rented a T.V. from King Kwik for $2.00 every saturday so we could watch Tarzan.WeOur big thrill in life was on Mom`s payday we all got a burger and fries from Burger Chef..Remember a nickle and a dime.So as far as any of you go ...you are all rich to me so stop crying.I work 2 jobs doing things you wouldn`t dream of doing to make half of what you make....I have a kid that lives at home at 23 years old with her two kids and What am I suppose to do tell the kids they are now homeless....

at 8:22 PM

Anonymous said...

I love Andy Rooney. Glad the Enquirer is carrying his column.

at 1:56 AM

Anonymous said...

I have a lot of friends who are living at home. AFter I graduated I got a job teaching the following August in California. Living w/my parents now is unfathomable, and, while it is a necessity for some and a comfortable arrangement for others, my experience is that it's better to get out on your own.

You learn the value of things by learning how much "real world work" is required to purchase them. the kid who is given a car at age 16 is at a long-term disadvantage to a kid who saves to buy his own car till he's 18. the world isn't a gravy train and the sooner you learn that the better.

Get out of the house you were raised in and do something on your own. Make your mark. Start a school, travel the world, don't sit on the same couch you were sitting on when you were 16 eating Doritos and watching American Idol.

at 2:33 PM

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA!! You're an idiot, you know that?

One time I called you a liberal and you got all defensive and whiny about it.

So now you're reading the NYSlimes?

The liberal shoe fits, just like a sweater tossed over your shoulders...

at 10:29 AM

Anonymous said...

for once I totally agree with you.

I have a one in college, one ready to start, and it is clear to them that I'll help with college, but after that (or if they get an incomplete), they are on their own.

a little motivation.

at 12:15 PM

Anonymous said...

After reading this column and the comments in response to it, I find it sad that so many college graduates failed to learn the basic tenants of grammar, spelling and punctuation. And it would appear that some even failed to learn how to read. However, I think that the author is trying to apply an overly broad conclusion to an area that is highly contextualized. Every situation is different, as are the individuals involved. One size does not fit all, and the same judgment should not be made for every case. It is also interesting to note, that the efforts of John Hinckley Jr. parents to make him independent only further fueled his mental illness. When they finally cut him off and kicked him out of the house, it forced him over the edge and led to his attempted assassination of President Regan.

at 12:17 PM

Anonymous said...

Please add an 's to John Hinckley Jr. as I left it off.

at 4:15 PM

Anonymous said...

and that's supposed to say Reagan. I'm not sure what I did with the a in that.

at 12:36 PM

Anonymous said...

I am a 20 year old full time working, full time college student who bought my own brand new car a year ago, pays for my own college (out of state tuition) and recently just purchased my first house ($141,000) less than a week ago. My parents are divorced, I don't speak to my mother and my father can't afford to pay for me. I have been on my own since I was 18 and I haven't been home once to stay since I left. If I can do it, any other person my age can also. It takes effort and dedication. I think a lot of people my age are afraid of that type of committment. But look at how far ahead I will be in the next couple of years.

at 1:21 PM

Anonymous said...

Baby boomers,

To assume that those of your generation would behave any differently than us 20-somethings under the same circumstances that we've grown up under is hogwash.

We are shaped significantly by our times. Whatever convoluted reasons there are that we don't fit the "go-getter" ideal have much much much more to do with the options/motivations/circumstances of today's world than with the content of our character.

In general, we are apparantly more lazy or greedy or whatever because we haven't been fortunate enough to experience the need to get off our asses and appreciate what we have.

At any rate, the "fault"(if you're looking for someone to blame) lies probably more with the doting parents of your generation than with the aimless younguns.

In closing, for whatever it's worth, I personally don't feel entitled to a damn thing.

at 5:21 PM

Anonymous said...

I think that I agree with you, unfortunately my life doesn't bear out your conclusions very well! I am a 30-something who moved out of home in his mid-20s, flatted for a while (I think that Americans have another word for it, basically I mean renting with other single adults), went and lived overseas for a time and then returned home to... well, I didn't know. That was two years ago and I still don't. I have been back with my parents for that time, trying to nail down full-time employment. I'm the first to agree that it's not the ideal situation and I think that my self-confidence has suffered a blow because of it. At the same time, it's the best solution for someone like me with an unstable income, and my folks are getting on a bit so I think that they appreciate the company too.

Please don't judge my situation because I don't really care what you think, but maybe there are others who have a similar experience who appreciate what I am talking about...

at 12:22 PM

Anonymous said...

Sometimes mom and/or dad want to be the bankers. Its a real unfortunate situation. My fiance is 26, lives at home (even though he graduated college in 03' after 5 years there) and has 80% of his bills paid for by his mother. The weird thing is that his mother (who has been single since 1990) doesnt want him to move out or pay for himself. She would honestly allow him to live with her for the rest of her life if at all possible. When he told her we were looking for a house, she got very upset and told him he was not ready (by the time she was his age she was married, owned a house and had two kids). She then told him she would sell him her house, but the only problem there is that was 2 years ago. We are getting married in Aug 07' and im not sure if she'll ever give him his freedom.

Previous Posts

Sunday, April 23, 2006

the bank of mom and dad

29 Comments: