greeting cards

Went to buy my mother a Mother's Day card today. Same as it ever was. There are no cards for any occasion that remotely say what you want them to say. Greeting cards break down into 2 categories: Stupid or really stupid. When buying them (talk about your necessary evils) I have a few rules:
1 -- no dog cards
2 -- no cards that mention orifices
3 -- no lame cards about sex that appear to have been written by Peewee Herman
4 -- no cards containing the words "fart'' or "boobs''
5 -- especially not for mom
6 -- no cards with little bows and ribbons
7 -- no cards with really fat people on the front
7A -- no black and white cards with hilljacks on the front
7B -- no hilljacks, anywhere
8 -- no ironic cards
9 -- no Peanuts cards
10 -- no Garfield cards. Definitely
I'm sorry, but the people who write cards are either failed poets or didnt graduate the 3rd grade. I go to Walgreen's or CVS or whatever, and I start muttering like a street person. I say "God help me'' a lot. I end up buying the least offensive card I can find, which usually amounts to a picture of a sunset or something. "My appreciation for you is as eternal as the sun'' or some crap. Because if I don't, mom will think I forgot about her. She'd rather I insult her intelligence.

Are you with me on this? Shouldn't we take out card companies' headquarters with a full-frontal assault of hilljacks, little lace doilies and dogs sitting on the toilet wearing party hats? I believe we should. Live big. Without cards.